Well I got hurt. Hurt so badly that words cannot describe the pain I felt. I needed to see my own pain to able to understand it. I have spent my last 12 years with the man who meant everything to me. That is 105190 hours of laughing, crying, eating, arguing, walking, breathing, sleeping, talking, and thinking together. And in 2 days, that is 48 hours it ends… 12 years has come to end, when the end should not be final. The black hole inside cannot be filled with anything as yet. Love mixed with anger, sadness mixed with disappointment, still not enough strength to forgive and face tomorrow. But the image of that person who is me tells me something: the memory of this pain will stay forever.
I suffer from depression, many years on pills just so I can face the days. Before I understood the disease I didn’t think that life can ever be better. But with the first pill the freedom has come. And then happiness came. I had to mark those moments on my body with the tattoos. Now I need to look at them and remember why they are there. I need to believe it one more time…
When I was about 18, I meet this lovely young guy in school with nice soul, he said he can read future from the hands…I don’t know if he could or not, but he said that one day someone is really gonna break my heart and he showed me the line on my hand to indicate it. I always remembered this. Today, when Stuart has broke my heart, I now believe him. So some of these images indicate this pain, my hand, my body and my sad face. This is where I am now. Full of the thoughts about me trying to kill myself when I found out that Stu was leaving me.
I started to make a dress with 80 grams of crystals that’s hundreds and hundreds of little shiny crystals. Each single one of them had to be ironed on to make this dress look so spectacular.
The crystals arrived to my studio the day my husband of 10 years told me he was leaving me…
That dress had to be made and I was busy planning my suicide. I’d created the spreadsheet with my ‘grand plan’… I couldn’t let my customer down, I had to finish that dress and only then after that would I allow myself to end my life. How could I go to my studio now and spend hours and hours ironing those beautiful crystals if I didn’t have a husband anymore? Every dress I made so far was with him and for him… He would say: ‘good job Monkey’… he was not going to do it.
Not this time. He had left me.. Gone.. He didn’t want to know if I did a good job or not.. He didn’t want to see the dress this time so how could I iron those damn crystals? How?
One by one, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour… So so many tears on that dress but I could not let my customer down…
Christmas Eve arrived; normally we would open our gifts at midnight. Not this time. This Christmas Eve I finished the dress..
This was the best gift I could give myself at this moment in time. I celebrated the moment by putting that very special dress on with pride, honour and joy. I had made it, I made the dress and created another day… The fight for the next day was on and I will keep making those dresses… and I will not kill myself anymore. These are my life and I keep moving forward, stitch by stitch, crystal by crystal, day by day.
What’s going to happen next? I don’t know. But I saw the light, a tiny bit of light and I believe in it. I’m not sure what tomorrow or next week is going to be, but I know that the light is there and I’m going to look at it till it becomes as bright as sun.
Today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present…
33 Words, things, names, people or anything that is really important to Janice: